Ok. So I there are 8 days left until the final hand in. OH GOOD GOD.
I got it all together, model, props, photographer, studio, van, everything. But I was lacking the glue. I shot my shoot on Monday, it went swiftly, and I was pretty confident. The props looked great, the first shot was perfect, just as I had seen it! The crop of the face, the table, the pencils. But something is missing, I think, that it would have been better if I had recruited a stylist to help me style. It all worked in my head but thats no use in a shoot! I have difficulty getting it out. Maybe because of stress from the looming deadline, I panic! It also would have helped if I had a professional model. My model is stunning, dont get me wrong, but I think I had taken on too much with being in charge of all production that I failed in directing her well. I have a big selection job ahead. and post production too.
My film and book on the other hand are going very well! I re-re-shot the film and it looks great, the crops and angles are sweet. AND im learning how to use final cut pro! I am by no means a pro yet but its a start. The book is forcing me to use in-design too which makes my life so easy now that I know how to use it. So far its 57 pages long, just need to add images and finalise the formatting. WOOP.
By the end of the week, i.e sunday, I must have finished my film, book, and images. Sent the images off to print, and written my reflective discourse essay. AND have written more of the commentary. YES. I will do it! Monday I will print and take the book/books for binding and burn the dvd. oh yes.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Saturday, 17 April 2010
losing the will
so i'm losing it. i tested my final ideas that i have been agonising over for weeks now, and the results are. SHIT. well, i think they are very poor, im not sure. quite possibly the poorest work i have attempted. i am not a film student, so imposing a film loop project on myself was somewhat ambitious. i keep denying that i am a make-up artist and its gone on for about a year and half now. i need to get a grip and embrace it!
so my film idea is to shoot repetitive actions. i filmed myself putting on lipstick about 13 times, as this is the number i usually get to when i count in my head before i tell my self to STOP itt. then i start again...I then filmed myself putting on mascara and tried liner but the camera had given up by then and i was ready to jump out the window! However, i refrained and packed up, emailled my tutors to rant about how im going to fail! then went for a walk and bought popcorn. I have since eaten most of the popcorn and I plan to go see my tutor on monday. phew.
here is a test i did of the filming where i repeatedly applied lipstick in different colours.
this may be closer to the money than my idea to do it 13 times with the same colour as
the shoot idea was to show repetition. ha! obviously! but im trying to show that its the action of repetition that brings the calm, order, control etc...but i cant quite do it...in my head i see a girl sitting in a chaotic place, ordering objects, be it building blocks, cups, shoes or food and doing it the same way in every shot, the objects are spraypainted so that there is a blanket of colour to void any communication of the object itself.
Idea..one with the model at a desk, school desk? lining up coloured pencils. the pencils sprayed too. the model in a place, a large space, cluttered, but not overly. where??! with large objects, a chair, a table, lamp, cushion (?) kettle, trunk. painted. in the same colour order as before but not neccesarily in a particular formation.
I shot with a friend in her wonderfully messy room, and with my beautifully spraypainted cups:
The idea is there....but where does make-up and hair and styling fit in?? i need to have an epiphany. FAST.
so my film idea is to shoot repetitive actions. i filmed myself putting on lipstick about 13 times, as this is the number i usually get to when i count in my head before i tell my self to STOP itt. then i start again...I then filmed myself putting on mascara and tried liner but the camera had given up by then and i was ready to jump out the window! However, i refrained and packed up, emailled my tutors to rant about how im going to fail! then went for a walk and bought popcorn. I have since eaten most of the popcorn and I plan to go see my tutor on monday. phew.
here is a test i did of the filming where i repeatedly applied lipstick in different colours.
this may be closer to the money than my idea to do it 13 times with the same colour as
"the only thing that can be repeated ultimatley is difference between repetitions. thats what repeated, the difference."Tom McCarthy, The Same Roturns.
Talk at projectspace 176
November 2009
the shoot idea was to show repetition. ha! obviously! but im trying to show that its the action of repetition that brings the calm, order, control etc...but i cant quite do it...in my head i see a girl sitting in a chaotic place, ordering objects, be it building blocks, cups, shoes or food and doing it the same way in every shot, the objects are spraypainted so that there is a blanket of colour to void any communication of the object itself.
Idea..one with the model at a desk, school desk? lining up coloured pencils. the pencils sprayed too. the model in a place, a large space, cluttered, but not overly. where??! with large objects, a chair, a table, lamp, cushion (?) kettle, trunk. painted. in the same colour order as before but not neccesarily in a particular formation.
I shot with a friend in her wonderfully messy room, and with my beautifully spraypainted cups:
The idea is there....but where does make-up and hair and styling fit in?? i need to have an epiphany. FAST.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
its not the data its the process
so i have been getting off topic. i keep trying to move forward with my project and i'm getting confused. i set out to explore repetition, starting with my compulsion to repeat, and now i seem to be focusing on these texts i write of my 'scenes'. this concerns me as i never set out to do a wholy personal project. i have had too many opinions, each trying to help, to push me to where they see is the strongest but i need to do it myself. i rely on positive reinforcement. it needs to stop. go with what i think. what i want. it will be good enough, i am good and i forget that as im not surrounded by my positive reinforcement "officers" anymore.
HOW DO I FIX IT???
i have gone back to my original proposal, i wrote down what it is about repetition.
what is repeated?
words
numbers
counting
actions/behaviours
scenes
why is it neccessary?
calming technique
order
control
reiterate
confirm reality
make it become familiar
where does it come from?
personal
inside
internal
its about the action of repetition, not the memories/scenes themselves. yes, i do repeatedly see these scenes but uts not just about that. its about control. calming. organising. working through. its annoying. irritating. REPETITION!! mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill.
does it become harder to understand?
like a rhythm, music?? could i compose a tune based on the rhythmic sound of repeating a phrase like Diana Deutsch
the pieces of text i write are short. they are somewhat detached, from what was a very harrowing experience. my brother read them the other day and he cried. he remembered them just as i had written them. that was surprising to discover. i keep thinking i need to repeat to remember, reiterate, re-live almost. but really, rik is my proof. my proof that i am not alone in this, i am not in need of clinical help, i just miss my dad and this is the only way to deal. i didnt have time to process it when it happened. i was in the middle of my exams! because, now, returning to repetition, this i can control. it seems an odd thing to control! the past happened and it was out of my hands. people left, some returned and made amends, some left forever. some even stuck around to taunt. out of my hands. so i repeat to control.
its not the DATA its the PROCESS
HOW DO I FIX IT???
i have gone back to my original proposal, i wrote down what it is about repetition.
what is repeated?
words
numbers
counting
actions/behaviours
scenes
why is it neccessary?
calming technique
order
control
reiterate
confirm reality
make it become familiar
where does it come from?
personal
inside
internal
its about the action of repetition, not the memories/scenes themselves. yes, i do repeatedly see these scenes but uts not just about that. its about control. calming. organising. working through. its annoying. irritating. REPETITION!! mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill.
does it become harder to understand?
like a rhythm, music?? could i compose a tune based on the rhythmic sound of repeating a phrase like Diana Deutsch
the pieces of text i write are short. they are somewhat detached, from what was a very harrowing experience. my brother read them the other day and he cried. he remembered them just as i had written them. that was surprising to discover. i keep thinking i need to repeat to remember, reiterate, re-live almost. but really, rik is my proof. my proof that i am not alone in this, i am not in need of clinical help, i just miss my dad and this is the only way to deal. i didnt have time to process it when it happened. i was in the middle of my exams! because, now, returning to repetition, this i can control. it seems an odd thing to control! the past happened and it was out of my hands. people left, some returned and made amends, some left forever. some even stuck around to taunt. out of my hands. so i repeat to control.
its not the DATA its the PROCESS
Monday, 8 February 2010
day after day after day
I think I need to find somewhere to work. Somewhere I can make a mess and talk to myself. My bedroom is getting smaller and smaller and I'm losing focus. No, correction, I cant find focus! My tutorial with Melissa are like a booster shot. I leave completely inspired and focused then I forget it all. I need to find a system that helps me get out all that information and follow the paths we discuss!!
Sunday, 7 February 2010
exquisite pain
I am Sophie Calle, just 24 years too late. She is a french artist who completed my project the year I was born. Crap. Not exactly but close. She is still wonderful though.
She was waiting for her lover to meet her in New Dehli on January 24th 1985 but he never showed. He was in hospital with a gamy finger. She was dumped the next day unceremoniously over the phone, a red phone.
Sophie returned to France and decided to start the healing process by using her experience and asked friends, family and others when they had suffered most. She then used their accounts to put her own suffering into perspective. The result was a book, split into "before unhappiness" and "after unhappiness"
the images in "before unhappiness" were of her scholarship to Japan, I wonder what she would have done with the images if there hadn't been an "after".
Sophie's passage is on the left, it changes on every page with varying details about the moment of unhappiness, each accompanied by the image of the red phone in the room where it happened. The text fades and becomes shorter over the passing of time, the time it takes for her to get over it and accept it. The image remains the same.
With repetition as necessity I am not repeating the images to get over it or accept it, I dont want them to fade or change either, they are there to remind me that it happened.
So I intend to respond...by writing my account over the course of a few weeks to see the result, I respond to text. It is my way toward images.
She was waiting for her lover to meet her in New Dehli on January 24th 1985 but he never showed. He was in hospital with a gamy finger. She was dumped the next day unceremoniously over the phone, a red phone.
Sophie returned to France and decided to start the healing process by using her experience and asked friends, family and others when they had suffered most. She then used their accounts to put her own suffering into perspective. The result was a book, split into "before unhappiness" and "after unhappiness"
the images in "before unhappiness" were of her scholarship to Japan, I wonder what she would have done with the images if there hadn't been an "after".
Sophie's passage is on the left, it changes on every page with varying details about the moment of unhappiness, each accompanied by the image of the red phone in the room where it happened. The text fades and becomes shorter over the passing of time, the time it takes for her to get over it and accept it. The image remains the same.
With repetition as necessity I am not repeating the images to get over it or accept it, I dont want them to fade or change either, they are there to remind me that it happened.
So I intend to respond...by writing my account over the course of a few weeks to see the result, I respond to text. It is my way toward images.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
repetition as necessity
My final major project is based on repetition. Or more, my necessity to repeat.
I have been thinking about the ways in which I repeat: counting steps, repeating words or phrases, dates, times, hours, my systems of behaviour, and most prominently the way I replay scenes and conversations from times of trauma in my mind. Over and over and over and over. The scenes come in flashes, sharply changing to the next image and occasionally lingering.
My dad lying in the bed at Margie's house.
My 7 year old brother sitting in the pew beside me picking at a tissue.
My 25 year old brother on the alter looking up to the sky.
My mum and her friend standing on the hill.
The rope to lower him.
In my tutorials with Melissa I've been trying to figure out why I do this, and where I should take it. Freud comes up alot, his theory that we repeat as a method of coping with trauma, and by doing so we accept and get over it. I dont believe that is what I am doing by repeating. I truly believe that I repeat to remember that it happened. If I dont replay these scenes then I will forget, I have forgotten! Its a way to make sure that I remain in reality and not in a dream world where he is still there and I've just not gone to visit. Therefore, Repetion as Necessity.
It is neccesary to preserve the memory.
It is neccesary to keep the facts correct.
It is neccesary to make sure I dont forget.
It is neccesary so I can remember to tell Ross.
It is neccesary so I realise that it happened.
I have been thinking about the ways in which I repeat: counting steps, repeating words or phrases, dates, times, hours, my systems of behaviour, and most prominently the way I replay scenes and conversations from times of trauma in my mind. Over and over and over and over. The scenes come in flashes, sharply changing to the next image and occasionally lingering.
My dad lying in the bed at Margie's house.
My 7 year old brother sitting in the pew beside me picking at a tissue.
My 25 year old brother on the alter looking up to the sky.
My mum and her friend standing on the hill.
The rope to lower him.
In my tutorials with Melissa I've been trying to figure out why I do this, and where I should take it. Freud comes up alot, his theory that we repeat as a method of coping with trauma, and by doing so we accept and get over it. I dont believe that is what I am doing by repeating. I truly believe that I repeat to remember that it happened. If I dont replay these scenes then I will forget, I have forgotten! Its a way to make sure that I remain in reality and not in a dream world where he is still there and I've just not gone to visit. Therefore, Repetion as Necessity.
It is neccesary to preserve the memory.
It is neccesary to keep the facts correct.
It is neccesary to make sure I dont forget.
It is neccesary so I can remember to tell Ross.
It is neccesary so I realise that it happened.
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