its not the data its the process

so i have been getting off topic. i keep trying to move forward with my project and i'm getting confused. i set out to explore repetition, starting with my compulsion to repeat, and now i seem to be focusing on these texts i write of my 'scenes'. this concerns me as i never set out to do a wholy personal project. i have had too many opinions, each trying to help, to push me to where they see is the strongest but i need to do it myself. i rely on positive reinforcement. it needs to stop. go with what i think. what i want. it will be good enough, i am good and i forget that as im not surrounded by my positive reinforcement "officers" anymore.

HOW DO I FIX IT???

i have gone back to my original proposal, i wrote down what it is about repetition.

what is repeated?

words
numbers
counting
actions/behaviours
scenes

why is it neccessary?

calming technique
order
control
reiterate
confirm reality
make it become familiar

where does it come from?

personal
inside
internal

its about the action of repetition, not the memories/scenes themselves. yes, i do repeatedly see these scenes but uts not just about that. its about control. calming. organising. working through. its annoying. irritating. REPETITION!! mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill, mum on the hill.

does it become harder to understand?
like a rhythm, music?? could i compose a tune based on the rhythmic sound of repeating a phrase like Diana Deutsch

the pieces of text i write are short. they are somewhat detached, from what was a very harrowing experience. my brother read them the other day and he cried. he remembered them just as i had written them. that was surprising to discover. i keep thinking i need to repeat to remember, reiterate, re-live almost. but really, rik is my proof. my proof that i am not alone in this, i am not in need of clinical help, i just miss my dad and this is the only way to deal. i didnt have time to process it when it happened. i was in the middle of my exams! because, now, returning to repetition, this i can control. it seems an odd thing to control! the past happened and it was out of my hands. people left, some returned and made amends, some left forever. some even stuck around to taunt. out of my hands. so i repeat to control.

its not the DATA its the PROCESS